


Crime, Coffee, And A Crossover Nobody Asked For

by Freelance_Magic



Category: Mao Mao: Heroes of Pure Heart (Cartoon), Sam & Max
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Coffee Shops, Crossover, Double Dating, M/M, unbetaed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:40:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23890219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freelance_Magic/pseuds/Freelance_Magic
Summary: Hey, fanfiction is fanfiction. You got to make the most of it, you know? So why not write a fluffy little double date of four dads with surprisingly similar lives if you squint?
Relationships: Badgerclops/Mao Mao Mao, Max/Sam (Sam & Max)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 41





	Crime, Coffee, And A Crossover Nobody Asked For

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Koopasaur](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Koopasaur/gifts).



It’s a unassuming day in a little coffee shop located somewhere in New York city. Business is slow, for now. There’s not a single hipster with a laptop cracked open while typing away. No, all is calm in this coffee shop, which is kinda bad for business. But luckily for this coffee shop’s owner's wallet and bad for its employees' mental health and blood pressure, they are about to get some customers that have a lot of... _ character _ . The entrance door swings open roughly, as if somebody kicked it in. “Dude, was that  _ really  _ necessary?” An exasperated voice asks. 

“You have to display dominance, Badgerclops. We are in an unfamiliar world with unfamiliar rules.” A short black anthropomorphized cat claims. “Seven points! Gotta love an entrance with pizzazz! Right, Sam?” A white rabbit lagomorph with uncomfortably sharp teeth giggles as he follows suit. “Reminds me of those ol’ westerns that we used to watch as kids, little buddy.” A tall dog man wearing a suit, who is mostly named Sam, agrees. The group claims a booth and takes their seats. “It’s sort of weird not seeing heart motifs everywhere. I dunno about Mao Mao, but I got used to that daily dose of cuteness.” Badgerclops points out as he looks around the coffee shop. 

“Wow, that sounds gruesome!” Max giggles. “I think he meant the cartoon valentine hearts, little buddy.” Sam points out. “You mean the one based on boobs?” Max asks. “Heheheheh. Boobs.” Badgerclops giggles. Mao Mao sighs as he pinches the bridge of his nose. “I swear it’s like I married a child…” Mao Mao groans. “You two are married?” Sam asks. “Hell yes! How do you do, fellow gays?” Max cheers. “Wait, are you two married?” Mao Mao asks in return. “Multiple times!” Max nods. “...Like on again and off again or…” Badgerclops starts. “No, no, no. Max and I like to get remarried every once in a while, like fading A-list celebrities that need that rush of drama in order stay relevant in the public eye.” Sam explains. 

“Oh. Hmm, maybe we should do that Mao Mao?” Badgerclops glances over to Mao Mao. “That sounds like a nightmare to plan. We’re busy enough with the kingdom being nearly destroyed every week.” Mao Mao says as he shakes his head. “To be fair, it’s us who nearly destroys it half the time.” Badgerclops points out. “Sounds magical.” Max sighs. 

“...I think we should probably start thinking about ordering something soon.” Sam points out. “Eh, let’s wait for a waiter.” Max shrugs. “This is a coffee shop, not a cafe, little buddy.” Sam says as he starts to get out of the booth the four are sitting in. “Is there a difference?” Badgerclops asks. “Coffee shops deal mostly in drinks and snacks while cafes are more akin to restaurants with full on meals.” Mao Mao answers. “Right, so what does everybody want?” Sam asks. “I want iced coffee, Irish style!” Max exclaims. “I doubt they sell Irish styled decaf, little buddy.” Sam shrugs. “I didn’t ask for decaf!” Max whines. “I want to be able to sleep tonight without you asking me cosmically disturbing questions, little buddy.” Sam states. 

“I’ll have coffee that is black like my soul.” Mao Mao broods. Sam glances to Badgerclops. “He’ll be having his with cream and sugar, and if they have chocolate and caramel syrup, that would be great.” Badgerclops answers. Mao Mao sputters in shock. “I said black!” Mao Mao insists. “You said like your soul. And you, my dear, are a big ol’ softy.” Badgerclops says as he boops Mao Mao on the nose. “Am not!” Mao Mao growls. “And what will you be having, Mr. One-eyed-one-cat-purple-people-eater?” Sam asks before Mao Mao and Badgerclops’ back and forth takes up too much time. 

“I’m not purple or a cannibal…? I’ll just have some snacks. I’m not picky, so surprise me.” Badgerclops shrugs. “Okie dokie. I’ll be back in the amount of time it takes to place an order in an establishment that specializes in caffeinated drinks and various snacks to satisfy a consumer who is feeling peckish and in need of a pick me up.” Sam nods as he leaves to places everybody's orders. 

“...Does he always do that?” Mao Mao asks. “Do what? Be super cute and underappreciated?” Max asks. “No, I mean the long winded description about when he’ll be back.” Mao Mao corrects. “Oh, that. Yeah. I think he does it to show off.” Max explains. “Yeah, Mao Mao doesn’t know ANYTHING about wanting to show off...right, Mao?” Badgerclops snickers. Mao Mao glares at Badgerclops. “If it wasn’t for the laws of this land I would have smite you down years ago.” Mao Mao threatens. “...Wait, we aren’t in our land any more. Is homicide legal here?” Mao Mao asks. 

“Unfortunately, no. Talk about a let down, huh.” Max sighs. “You won’t kill me. I’m too lovable and you are too gay. But...if you were to kill me, would it be HOMO-cide?” Badgerclops asks. “I hate you.” Mao Mao groans. “Your mouth says  _ I hate you, _ but your actions say  _ please hold me. I need love and affection.” _ Badgerclops calls out. Mao Mao simply slams his head into the table in response to Badgerclops’ call out, probably to avoid digging himself deeper then he already is. “I’m back, did anybody miss me?” Sam says as he takes a seat in the booth. “How can I miss you when you live in my heart, Sam?” Max asks. 

“Cheese and crackers! That’s unbelievably romantic, little buddy! Are you feeling alright?” Sam asks as he feels his partner’s forehead. “You were gone for thirty seconds, Sam. Every second without you was a hell that will haunt me for as long as I remain in this mortal coil.” Max points out. Everybody at the table stares at Max like he grew three heads. “...Gay longing.” Max explains. Everybody at the table hums and nods in understanding. “Been there, done that.” Badgerclops nods. 

“Speaking of missing people, do you think Adorabat will be alright?” Mao Mao asks. “Adorabat, is that the name of the little rascal that bit Max?” Sam asks. “That’s our little deputy!” Badgerclops nods. “Both of you must be so proud! She’s got a lot of jaw strength for someone so small!” Max giggles. “She makes me proud everyday.” Mao Mao nods as he wipes a tear from his eye. “I wonder if it was a good idea to leave her at your guy’s office?” Badgerclops muses. “She’s with Geek, so it’ll be fine...probably.” Sam assures weakly. “Geek deals with us on a daily basis. I think they can handle this.” Max points out. “I can’t argue with that!” Sam nods. 

“Geek...is that the...person that was in your office when we appeared?” Mao Mao asks. “Yeah?” Max nods. “What  _ are  _ they?” Mao Mao asks. “Brilliant! Amazing! A genius of our time!” Sam gushes as he pulls out his wallet, causing a long stream of photographs to unfold onto the table. “Just wallet photos? Weak. Try this!” Mao Mao exclaims. Mao Mao quickly hacks up an entire photo album from his stomach onto the table. “Gross, oh gross! I hate it! That’s so cursed! Why did you vore a photo album?! Why are you like this?!” Badgerclops cries as he leans as far as he can from the photo album. 

“How else am I supposed to show off our daughter?” Mao Mao asks. “You do what Sam does and keep photos in your wallet like a normal person! Oh gosh, I think I’m gonna pass out.” Badgerclops whines weakly. “...That was pretty hot, why can’t you do that Sam?” Max asks. “Because I have both a gag reflex and a wallet, little buddy.” Sam says as he holds up his wallet to Max’s face. “Boring, unoriginal, overdone. Please learn to vore things.” Max demands. “Can we please stop?” Badgerclops pleads. “So dramatic.” Mao Mao chuckles as he rolls his eyes. 

A sudden ding rings out from the counter. “Ah, that must be our orders!” Sam says as he leaves to go fetch the orders like a good dog. “Hey, I know! Let’s go back to this Geek person. What are they?! Monkey?! Naked mole rat?!” Badgerclops exclaims. “...You’ve never seen a human before?” Max asks. “Huemin?” Mao Mao asks. “What’s this about humans?” Sam asks as he comes back with everybody's orders. 

“They’ve never seen humans before.” Max explains. “You don’t have humans in your world?” Sam asks. “Why are there so many of them?” Mao Mao asks as he glances over to the employees of this coffee shop, who all happen to be human. “They breed like the world’s gonna end tomorrow.” Max explains. “To be fair, it could.” Sam points out. “True. I live on this planet so…” Max nods. Badgerclops shoves half off the snacks that Sam brought into his mouth and begins to chew. “Please show some table manners, Badgerclops. You’re acting like a child- AW MAN! I said I wanted black coffee!” Mao Mao whines as he looks down at his very sweet looking coffee. 

“Oh, whoops. I must have gotten confused when Badgerclops ordered for you like a mother ordering her sugar fueled little munchkin fries at a Chinese restaurant on a Tuesday.” Sam explains. Mao Mao grumbles under his breath as he takes a sip of his coffee. “...It’s so yummy…” Mao Mao whispers to himself after taking a sip. “What was that, dude?” Badgerclops asks with a knowing smile. “I said it’s so runny. Shut up and wipe that smirk off your face.” Mao Mao glares. 

Max holds up his drink suspiciously. “Sam, what is this?” Max asks as he holds up a clear plastic cup full of a golden liquid. “A beverage?” Sam answers as he takes a sip of his coffee. “Did you order me apple juice?” Max asks. “...Define apple juice.” Sam says carefully. “Blood of apples.” Max answers. Max perks up at his own answer. “Actually, never mind. That’s metal as hell. You know me so well, babe.” Max giggles as he begins to drink his apple juice. “Damn right I do.” Sam mumbles into his cup. “...You guys want to know something?” Badgerclops asks everybody at the table. Everyone looks at Badgerclops with anticipation. “I can’t remember the last time I went somewhere new without something exploding, breaking or one of us getting into a fight.” Badgerclops points out. 

“LET US CHANGE THAT!” Max screams as he pulls out a rock from who knows where and tosses it at a window on the other side of the coffee shop, shattering it on impact. Badgerclops and Mao Mao stare in shock at the now broken window. Sam does seem surprised at all. “It’s a good thing this place is insured for more than it’s worth or I don’t think we could ever come back, little buddy.” Sam says as he takes another sip of his coffee.

“That sounds like insurance fraud.” Mao Mao points out. “I believe that the original plan was to burn the place down, at least until Max and I started coming here. This place used to be pretty trashy, both aesthetically and quality wise. Pretty sure the owners got more money thanks to Max in the long run.” Sam recalls.

“Won’t the rate go up?” Mao Mao asks. “A law was passed so rates don’t go up if Max was the cause of destruction.” Sam explains. “I think it passed when I was president that one time, oops! Spoilers.” Max exclaims as he covers his mouth. “You were president? Sounds like a tall tale.” Mao Mao scoffs. “More like a Tell Tale.” Sam winks. “Is that supposed to be a reference or something- STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!” Mao Mao bellows as he pulls out his golden katana and points out the window that is by their booth. 

Everybody looks outside to see a person wearing a mask holding a knife threateningly at what seems to be a woman. Mao Mao jumps out of the window that everyone is looking through, shattering it, anthropomorphic animal law enforcement two, windows zero. “Go get em, babe!” Badgerclops encourages as he stuffs his maw with more snacks as he watches Mao Mao rush at the mugger. “Should we help him?” Sam asks. “Nah, my man’s got this.” Badgerclops waves off after swallowing the food in his mouth. 

“I wanna have fun! Throw me, Sam! Throw me, throw me, throw me!” Max exclaims like an excited child. “Alright, alright, don’t put your pants on.” Sam chuckles as he picks up Max and smooshes him into a ball. “Launching Max missile in three, two…” Sam announces as he takes aim. “One...FIRE!” Sam exclaims as he chucks Max as hard as he can at the mugger, who is currently being slapped around by Mao Mao. “And if he has lice do not and I repeat DO NOT bring back his scalp!” Sam yells once Max collides with the mugger. 

“That sounds like a story.” Badgerclops giggles. “Max once brought home a scalp that was just  _ infested  _ with lice. Geek ended up getting lice and gave the whole school lice, they became way more popular because the school had to shut down like public transport during a hurricane, much to their chagrin. We also had to buzz their head, they  **especially** did not enjoy that.” Sam recalls. 

“...Wait, so he actually rips off people's scalps?” Badgerclops asks. “Only if the mood strikes him, or they’re a Nazi.” Sam explains. “Nazi? The heck is that?” Badgerclops questions. “You don’t have them where you're from?” Sam asks as a bloody scream is heard outside. “Nope, are they some kind of pest?” Badgerclops asks as various cartoon sound effects go off in the distance. “You lucky son of a gun! Yeah, I guess one could say that.” Sam laughs. Badgerclops smiles and looks back outside. “Oh, they’re coming back now.” Badgerclops points out. 

A few moments later Mao Mao and Max walk through the entrance to the coffee shop. “Well, I met my quota for extremely one sided brawls.” Mao Mao says as he stretches his arms above his head. “No kidding! You’d think criminals should put up a bit of a fight. Sigh, what is this world coming too?” Max says solemnly as he shakes his head. 

“Did you just say the word sigh instead of actually sighing?” Badgerclops asks as his and Sam’s shortys come back. “What are you gonna do about it? Start a sexually tense rivalry over it that shall slowly turn to romance over the span of twenty chapters, two hundred thousand words and a side series with a wedding arch?” Max challenges. “Only if there is an OT4 end game with found family elements.” Badgerclops sneers. “FINE!” Max barks. “FINE!” Badgerclops growls. Sam and Mao Mao share a bewildered look. “Do you have the faintest clue what those two are talking about?” Sam asks as he scratches his head. 

“Nope.” Mao Mao answers simply. “Come on, y’all. Let’s blow this Popsicle stand.” Badgerclops says as he gets up. “Um, this is a coffee shop.” Max points out. “...Do you wanna go?” Badgerclops warns. “That’s better. Yes, Badgersnot. Let us leave.” Max sasses. “What did you just call me?!” Badgerclops roars. “Shrnk, Badgersnot.” Mao Mao giggles.

Badgerclops and Max begin to leave the coffee shop while bickering about nothing in particular. “I guess we should go after them, who knows what high thrill, high mortality risk hi jinks those two will get up to.” Sam says as he also gets up from his seat. “Right, right. So, what do I owe you?” Mao Mao asks. “Owe me?” Sam parrots back as he tilts his head like a cute little puppy. “You know, for the coffee and snacks.” Mao Mao explains. “Oh! Don’t worry about it!” Sam chuckles. 

“Really? Are you sure?” Mao Mao asks. “Hey, it was my treat! And besides, I’m pretty sure the money you have on you isn’t valid here anyways.” Sam points out. “Right. ...I feel like I’m forgetting something…” Mao Mao points out. “Maybe it’s the photo album you hacked up like a hairball?” Sam says as he gestures to said photo album. “Oh right! We never did go through it, did we?” Mao Mao points out as he grabs the photo album. 

“How about we go over it back at the office. It’s a lot funner to go through a photo album when there are kids around to embarrass.” Sam offers. “I like the way you think.” Mao Mao chuckles. Mao Mao then swallows the entire photo album whole. “How DO you do that?” Sam asks. “Years of training and learning to relax my gag reflex.” Mao Mao answers with a wink. “Scandalous!” Sam giggles as the two of them leave the coffee shop, in all it’s broken window glory. 

**Author's Note:**

> TL;DR  
> A crossover nobody asked for.
> 
> This is a thank you gift for koopasaur for gifting me a fanfic! I hope they, along with the rest of you lovely readers, have enjoyed this little fic!


End file.
